Thursday, February 5, 2009


My piece on polyamory appears in this week's WE.

Are polyamorists sexual deviants  or the world’s most incurable romantics?

Are polyamorists sexual deviants or the world’s most incurable romantics?



participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

— Webster’s New Millennium Dictionary

Other “kinks” have come and gone as the primary target of “polite” society’s moral outrage — homosexuality, orgies, swinging — and forged, in some people’s homes, an uneasy truce. Polyamory, then, might be the last taboo — possibly because many people can barely navigate the obstacles of one relationship, let alone several.

But, contrary to popular belief, people who engage in “poly” say they aren’t just in it for the sex — although that doesn’t hurt. True to their name, polyamorists have a whole lot of love to give (and take).

According to John Ince, co-owner of Vancouver sex shop the Art of Loving, poly people might just be the world’s biggest romantics. “Poly is really about relationships, an ongoing experience rather than a sexual connection,” he says. “I’ve done long-term monogamous relationships and long-term polyamorous relationship, and the poly ones are conducive to more intimacy... but it’s a lot of relational time. Time and work.”

Jillian Deri, a PhD candidate writing about polyamory and jealousy within the queer community, is also involved in poly relationships, and acknowledges the common misconceptions people have about it. “[People think] we’re just dating around until we find the right person,” she says, “or that we’re just promiscuous and can’t decide, or that we’re not committed. But, actually, poly people are usually more committed because they commit to more than one person.”

Pervading notions about polyamory label its practitioners as sluts or perverts. Internet culture does nothing to subvert that belief either: simply Googling the phrase “polyamory Vancouver” calls up sites devoted to BDSM, fetish nights, and a smattering of other kinky topics that might send potential polyamorists right back into the closet. And there’s precious little information available to those looking for a safe place to explore this type of relationship.

Ince, who published a book called The Politics of Lust, believes polyamorists are simply seeking a variety of intimacy, much the same way people favour variety in friends, food, and entertainment. “We encourage multi-loving in every area except the sexual dimension,” he says. “In our culture, the model is one romantic relationship at a time, otherwise you’re cheating. Huge numbers of people are practicing unethical [secretive] polyamory.”

Ince has been involved in poly relationships of various configurations for over 30 years. He’s currently involved with two women, and he says the key to a successful poly relationship is open communication. “It takes a lot of emotional sophistication to practice polyamory in a healthy way. That’s perhaps why relatively few people can do it. Most people don’t have high self-esteem and would interpret their partner’s interest in someone else as a rejection of them. The fact that I love having two women in my life does not say anything about my lack of attraction to one. It just says that I’m a very complex character and need a whole variety of stimulation to be excited and passionate and fulfilled.”

For Deri, polyamory is an affair of the heart, though she admits it’s sometimes easier said than done. “I feel that it’s definitely not for everyone, but I find it easier to give my heart when there’s an open aspect to the relationship, being more true to what I actually want.

“I believe we have this dichotomy between friends and lovers: only one lover and all the rest are friends. I find that having that boundary broken allows for more intimacy — a whole range of different ways to be with people.”

Deri admits an open relationship does force people to have to deal with jealousy head-on, but poly people, she says, choose to “work around it.”

“Poly people realize it’s not inevitable, it’s not intolerable, but in the culture we grow up in, there’s this idea that if your lover is with someone else, you’re going to be jealous, and the jealousy should stop whatever you’re doing,” Deri says. “Poly people tend to see jealousy as something you could feel, but you can get over it and move on. It doesn’t have to change your behaviour.”

In a world where hate, rancour and loneliness permeate all aspects of society, one could say that polyamorists are, in their own way, forging a path where love is all around. For those looking to venture into the world of poly, Deri suggests honesty as your best tactic for success.

“Find someone you can communicate well with and who you feel safe to explore with,” Deri advises, “and ask yourself a lot of questions about what you really want, and be honest. As soon as you’re really honest with yourself you can be honest with other people. Communication is the biggest key to making it work.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Overall it's a good article. However, I have some problems with it.

First, the image that accompanied the article is unfortunate ( ). It would have been better to have something that was gender neutral (such as the infinite heart symbol, ). The problem with the particular image used is that for casual observers (who may not read the full article) it falsely suggests that polyamory is primarily about men having more than one woman, conjuring up images of Bountiful-style polygamy.

Second, the definition of polyamory according to Webster's New Millennium Dictionary was reproduced in this article (likely because that's what you get if you go to and type in "polyamory"). That definition erroneously leaves off the ethical part of polyamory that usually says something to the effect "...with the full knowledge and consent of all involved". I suspect that erroneous definitions like this are the result of a small number of people who approve words and their definition for inclusion in commercial dictionaries, who, as it happens, are monogamous and don't get the importance of the ethical part of polyamory. That ethical part is important as it distinguishes polyamory from cheating and abusive or forced polygamy.

Internet-based dictionaries and encyclopedias, on the other hand, don't make this mistake and for good reason. They're more democratic and actually reflect what the word actually means -- not what some small elite group *wants* it to mean. Check out:

And lastly, I have issue with giving the impression that "googling the phrase 'polyamory Vancouver'" calls up nothing but "BDSM, fetish nights, and a smattering of other kinky topics that might send potential polyamorists right back into the closet". Come on. The first hits you get are Vanpoly (the Vancouver Polyamory Discussion Group),, Vanisle Polyamory, and articles about polyamory. You have to scroll down and look for that other stuff.